I could have started this letter by insulting you, denigrating you, calling you one of the names most of my friends would agree you deserve.
Maybe that would give me 10 minutes of fame by all those hungry for “soap opera” but it would be kind of like you won too, wouldn’t it?
I will not do it.
Instead, I wanted to tell you that I’m fine.
Yes, you’ve done a lot of damage, physically and mentally, but I’m healing.
There are still a lot of things that scare me and I know it is the product of the abuse I suffered.
But I could never have imagined one day that I would be able to smile so much, without you in my life. That I would allow myself to love another man. Or that I could begin to see a future full of hope looming before me.
I sure didn’t see this the first time we broke up. Neither the tenth. Nor all the other times. Well, except the last one.
What this breakup finally brought to me is a lot of things.
For example, it is no longer being constantly afraid that you are cheating on me.
I no longer have to worry about you enjoying partying a little too much and by extension, the negative impact it might have had on our son.
Besides, I don’t have to worry anymore if you run your nerves on him or talk to him like you spoke to me.
Nor that he was emotionally tortured like you did to me, tormenting me for 5 of the 6 years we were together.
I say “our son”, but it’s in the past tense. Now it’s “my son”
And he’s safe. He is stable, happy. He’s a kid who has everything he could possibly need. And he’s someone who has all the keys to becoming a good man.
What about you ? What are you doing? Do you keep making crappy lifestyle choices?
Do you keep choosing alcohol and a little powder over some of the world’s most incredible treasure?
Do you keep choosing crime over staying home and reading to a little boy who loves books?
Do you keep choosing to beat the woman you say you love while she’s wearing what you helped do, instead of taking her to the doctor?
Do you always threaten to assault a little boy, even before he is born, instead of rocking him to fall asleep every night, watching him suck his thumb?
Do you still only have eyes for parties, instability, women and sex? Where did you sit, watching my son grow up?
Yes, my son, because a parent does not become a parent just because he has conceived a baby. He becomes a parent when he makes the choice to give up the things he wanted but knew were bad, the easy roads, the negativity in his life. So that his child can have a safe, loving, stable and normal life.
You did not choose this road. I chose this route.
And I wanted to thank you, too
It took a long time, but I ended up accepting your choice. By accepting that after 6 years of relationship and after discovering that I was pregnant, you decided that you did not want to be part of my life anymore.
It wasn’t that long ago that I still hated you for it.
But now I understood what an unwitting gift you gave me, so thank you.
By disappearing, you left me the joy of raising my son alone. And that’s something I can never pay you back.
Thank you R., for allowing me to give my baby enough love and affection to make up for your absence.
Thank you for not giving him your dark brown eyes, which would have devastated me every time I looked at him.
My biggest thank you is for leaving before the birth. Because we both know you would, sooner or later.
My baby didn’t need that kind of heartache in his way.
I can still cringe at the sound of your name, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank you for leaving this baby to me all to yourself.
Thank you for forcing me to grow up
Working full time and being up all night with a screaming baby wasn’t really the definition of my dream of being a mom. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Because another miracle happened.
You see, by leaving, you allowed me to find someone better suited to the situation I was in . Someone who offered to help me instead of being scared.
You have allowed me to meet a wonderful man, who is taking care of my son now, as well as of me, as you never have before.
Thank you for making me reassess my priorities. I realized that hearing my baby coo in front of me will always be nicer than the fat laughter of your friends when I picked you up in your bar.
Thanks for teaching me that a thousand layers of poop is even better than waking up to your own vomit where you passed out.
You made me grow up, you allowed me to see that not only could I be an amazing mom but that I could also play the role of a dad.
Being a solo mom has been one of my biggest accomplishments because it has shown me that I am capable of anything.
My fairy tale
Sometimes I miss the old life I had with you, the one when we started.
But it’s like a stomach cramp that comes and goes without warning. Reality comes straight back to me: the only magical year with you, it was only you who prepared the ground to deceive me afterwards.
And then, above all, how to give interest, to these nostalgic thoughts, when the little guy you didn’t want to do anything with looks at me, chirping, smiling?
R., I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
This baby has made me a better person and I’m not sure I would have liked who I could have been if he hadn’t shown up.
I was scared, of course, and I know you were too, but I didn’t run away.
Instead of “getting rid of the situation,” I pushed. I pushed forward with all my might and overcame the obstacles that stood before me.
And then a day will come when my baby will grow up
He will begin to understand more. He will realize who raised him, who sacrificed himself.
So thank you for moving on with your life and for being the selfish human being that you are.
Our relationship was hardly a fairy tale by far but at least I made a little prince out of it.
In a way, you gave me my own fairy tale!
A life full of happiness, happiness forever with my son.
And the last thing you taught me is that sometimes, Prince Charming is not a lover who comes to your rescue … Sometimes it’s a tiny little piece of cabbage, who looks at you with eyes sparkling and who calls you “Mom”.
Signed – a much happier family without you